Jokes

[Mog]

This is a joke thread, to be filled with jokes. Let's get a feel for each other's sense of humour. Post your favourites. Or least favourites. Or ones I'd like, that's probably best.

A man is sitting at a river fishing. After a few hours he gets a fish, but it screams:
"Please don't kill me, i'm a luckyfish. if you spare my life i will grant you one wish."
The man takes the offer an throws the fish back in the river and the fish grants him his wish.
"I want to live in a big house", the man said, "with 100 beautiful women and the cellar full of money."
The fish sparkles and is gone.
Returning to his house the man sees the fish was no liar. The house is big and in the entrance beautiful women welcome him with money in their hands.
Full of joy the man returns to the river and yells for the fish, which promptly appears.
"You have been so greatfull luckyfish what can i do for you to thank you?" the man said.
"well there is something.", the fish replied, "I want you to suck my dick."
The man confused but overly happy with his fate decides to do the fish the favor. But as he closed his lips around the fishes dick it turned into a 5 year old boy AND THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED YOUR HONOR


where do you find a dog with no legs?
where you left it.


what do you call a cow with no legs?
ground beef.


A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone.
"Morning!" he said.
The other man replies, "No, just having a shit."


what's 14" long, hard, and makes a woman scream all night? Crib death.

[ThatOneGuysBro]

Ladies and Gentlemen, skinny and stout,
I'll tell you a tale I know nothing about;
The Admission is free, so pay at the door,
Now pull up a chair and sit on the floor.

One fine day in the middle of the night,
Two dead boys got up to fight;
Back to back they faced each other,
Drew their swords and shot each other.

A blind man came to watch fair play,
A mute man came to shout "Horray!"
A deaf policeman heard the noise and
Came to stop those two dead boys.

He lived on the corner in the middle of the block,
In a two-story house on a vacant lot;
A man with no legs came walking by,
and kicked the lawman in his thigh.

He crashed through a wall without making a sound,
into a dry creek bed and suddenly drowned;
The long black hearse came to cart him away,
But he ran for his life and is still gone today.

I watched from the corner of the big round table,
The only eyewitness to facts of my fable;
But if you doubt my lies are true,
Just ask the blind man, he saw it too.

[Noven]

That first joke, just... so much love for it, so much.

[thatfallout3guy]

How do you stop a deaf person from reporting a crime?

Stomp on their fingers

[Mog]

What's long, thick, and keeps me warm at night?
Lord of the Rings.

[thatfallout3guy]

A man and his wife go to their weekend getaway in the mountains where the husband likes to fish and the wife likes to read
the husband came home early one day from fishing and went to bed

the wife decided now would be her chance to go out on the boat and read

so she did

she didn't know the lake very well so she just layed anchor anywhere and began to read

along came a officer and told her "what are you doing?"


"reading" said the woman


"this is a restricted fishing area"


"but i'm not fishing"


"that may be true but you have all of the equipment so i will have to take you in"


"if you do that i will charge you with rape" the woman says


"but i didn' touch you"


"this may be true but you have all of the right equipment"




Moral of the story is: never mess with a woman who knows how to read.

[Mog]

What is long, green, and smells like bacon?
Kermit's fingers.


A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."





A man is at work when he receives a call from the hospital informing him that his wife's been in an accident. He rushes to the emergency room where he's met by the doctor. They sit down in the waiting room and the doctor, with a very solemn look on his face, says:
"Sir, I have very bad news. We did all we could. Right now she's in a vegatative state, which is likely where she'll remain for the rest of her life. She can stay here overnight, but after that, you'll have to take her home because your insurance doesn't cover this type of thing."
The guy slumps, just crushed.
The doctor continues: "With the right care, which will include you feeding her five times a day, changing her soiled diapers, and tending to her needs constantly, she'll likely live for at least another 30 years."
The guy sinks even lower, just crushed, and starts to cry.
Doctor: "As I said, your insurance doesn't cover this kind of care, so you'll have to make some sort of arrangements to purchase the equipment you'll need for your wife. I would suggest you put your house on the market today and sell it as quickly as possible and buy a mobile home. You're gonna need the excess cash. It should be enough to buy the equipment your wife needs and for you to live on for the next couple of months. By then, you should be able to qualify for welfare and other forms of state and federal aid."
By this point, the guy is sobbing uncontrollably.
At that point, the doctor puts his hand on the man's shoulder, and says, "Naaaah - I'm just fucking with you, she's dead."




A woman goes away on vacation and has her brother watch her cat. On the second day, when she calls her brother to see how things are going he tells her that the cat is dead.
The woman immediately goes into hysterics, really upset and says, "You can't tell a person bad news like that. The first day, you should have said that Fluffy was stuck on the roof and couldn't get down. The second day, you could have said that she had fallen, but the vet said she would be ok. The third day you could have said that she died from complications."
The next day the brother calls the woman up and says, "I have news." "What?" "Grandma is stuck on the roof and can't get down ..."



What has two legs, but can't walk?
Half a dog.



What's black and white and can't go through a revolving door?
A nun with a spear through her head.



Knock knock.
Who's there?
Nine eleven.
Nine eleven who?
YOU SAID YOU'D NEVER FORGET!





Q: "How long does it take a hamster to explode in the microwave?"
A: "I don't know, I was too busy masturbating."




A kidnapper was dragging a child into the woods when the kid says, "Mister, these woods are really scary." The kidnapper says, "Yeah, I know. And I have to walk out all alone."



What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter. He can't come when called anyway.



So, a man is in the hospital, waiting for his wife to give birth. He's pacing back in forth in the waiting room, waiting for the birth to be over, when suddenly the doctor bursts into the room.
"Sir! Sir! Come with me! I have amazing news!"
The man rushes into the operating room with the doctor. The doctor snatches the baby out of the bassinet and holds it up.
"Sir. It's unbelievable, but your baby CAN FLY!"
The doctor holds the baby over his head and tosses it up into the air. The new father watches in horror as his newborn collides with the floor, making a sick, wet thud.
"YOU SICK BASTARD!" He shouts! "What do you think you're doing?"
"No, I swear it. It's phenomenal! Just watch!" Says the doctor. He lifts the baby again. He winds up and gives it another throw. This time, it bounces off the wall and then hits the floor, leaving a gross smear on the wall.
"OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!!!" Shouts the new father, aghast at the doctors behavior and the trauma he's witnessing.
"Trust me, sir! It's simply amazing!" Says the doctor. He opens a window and hurls the baby out where it plummets nine stories and punches a baby-shaped hole in the roof of a bus.
"You sonofabitch! You killed my baby! Screams the father.
"Meh. Don't worry about it. It came out dead." Says the doctor.




What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and Sarah Palin's vagina?
Only some of the things that come out of her vagina are retarded.







One day, 7-year-old Little Johnny is on the playground, when he overhears two older boys talking about "Blue Velvet". Being an inquisitive sort, Little Johnny walks up to them and asks them, "What's Blue Velvet?"

They proceed to kick his ass.

The recess teacher sees Little Johnny bruised, bloody, and crying. She asks him, "What happened, Little Johnny?" to which he replies "Those older boys beat me up, just because I asked them what Blue Velvet is."

"As well they should have!" she states. "Get your ass to the Principal's office, right now!"

Confused, scared, bruised, bloody, and crying, Little Johnny goes to the Principal's office.

"Now son, just what happened?"
"Well, sir, two older boys beat me up, and then the recess teacher sent me to you, all because I asked what Blue Velvet is."
"Little Johnny, you are hereby expelled. Get the hell out of my school!"

Expelled, confused, scared, bruised, bloody, and crying, Little Johnny wanders home at midday. His mother answers the door, exclaming "What happened?!"

"I was beat up, yelled at, and expelled from school, all for asking what "Blue Velvet" is."

Little Johnny's Mother slams the door in his face. From behind the closed door she yells "You're never welcome in this home again!"

Homeless, confused, scared, bruised, bloody, and crying, Little Johnny wanders along Main Street wondering what to do, when a Policeman pulls up. "Get in", he says.
Little Johnny does so, and as they start driving, the Policeman asks what happened.

"Well, sir, I got beat up, yelled at, expelled from school, and thrown out of my home, all because I wanted to know what Blue Velvet is."The Policeman brings the car to a screeching halt, and throws Little Johnny out, saying "You are no longer welcome in this town. Don't let me catch you around here again."

Banished, homeless, confused, scared, bruised, bloody, and crying, Little Johnny wanders the highway on the edge of town, when a trucker pulls over and motions him into the cab.

As they drive away, the Trucker asks what happened.

"Well, sir, I got beat up, yelled at, expelled, thrown out of my home, and banished from my town, all for asking what Blue Velvet is."

"Is that so?" says the Trucker. "Well, hell, I can tell you what Blue Velvet is."

"Really?"

"Sure." The Trucker stops the truck. "See that Hotel over there on the other side of the Highway? If you go into that Hotel, go up to the Third Floor, walk down the hallway, and knock on the second door on the right, there's a woman in there who can tell you exactly what Blue Velvet is."

"Gee, Thanks, Mister!" replies Little Johnny, smiling for the first time all day.

Little Johnny jumps down out of the truck and runs across the Highway when

BAM!

he is hit by a car and killed instantly.

[thatfallout3guy]

"My daughter lives in a penthouse apartment in Miami," reports Sadie to her friend Sophie. "She goes out to dinner every night at a different restaurant, has beautiful furs and clothes, and lots of boyfriends."

"Oh, my daughter's a whore too."

---------------------------------------

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavoir that was going on. So he called one of his angels and sent them to Earth for a time.

When he returned he tolf God, "Yes , it's bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving, and only 5% aren't."

God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down another angel to get another opinion."

When the angel returned he told God, "It's true. Earth is filled with 95% that are misbehaving, and only 5% are good."

God was not pleased. He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good.

Do you know what the e-mail said?

Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.

-----------------------------

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

---------------------------

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see." Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life." And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."

[guycoolspore2]

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the
Tip of her index finger shot off.
“How did this happen?” the emergency room doctor asked her.
“Well, I was trying to commit suicide,” the blonde replied.
“What?” sputtered the doctor, “You tried to commit suicide by
Shooting off your finger?”
“No, Silly, “the blonde said, “First I put the gun to my chest, and
Then I thought, I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants. I’m not
Shooting myself in the chest.”
“So then?” asked the doctor.
“Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, “I just paid
$3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened . I’m not shooting myself in the
Mouth.”
“So then?”
“Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: “This is going to
Make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the
Trigger.


An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.? He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”

“Just water,” says the priest.

The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”

The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord!? ? He’s done it again!”

The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, ‘Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!’? ? ‘Son, I’m a priest. Your language is uncalled for!’

‘ No, Father, that’s what kind of fish it is-a Son of a Bitch fish!’? ‘Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!’? ? Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.? ? ‘Father, that’s the biggest Son of a Bitch I’ve ever seen.’

‘Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?’

‘Why, eat it of course. You’ve never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!’

Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory. While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.? ? ‘Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!’

Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, ‘Father!’

‘It’s OK, Sister. That’s what kind of fish it is-a Son of a Bitch fish!’
‘ Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?’

‘ Why, eat it of course. The guide said nothing compares to the taste of a Son of a Bitch.’

Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.

‘I’ll even clean the Son of a Bitch’, she said. As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.

‘What are you doing Sister?’

‘Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishops’ dinner.’

‘Sister! I’ll clean it if you’re so upset! Please watch your language!’
‘No, no, no, it’s called a Son of a Bitch fish.’

‘Really? Well, in that case, I’ll fix up a great meal to go with it, and? that Son of a Bitch can be the main course!? Let me know when you’ve finished? cleaning it.’

On the night of the new Bishop’s visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.

The new Bishop said, ‘This is great fish, where did you get it?’ ‘I caught that Son of a Bitch!’ proclaimed the proud priest. The Bishop’s eyes opened wide, but he said nothing.

‘And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!’ exclaimed the Sister.

The Bishop sat silent in disbelief.

The Friar added, ‘And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!’

The new Bishop looked around at each of them. Slowly a big smile crept across his face as he said,

‘You fuckers are my kind of people!’